Looking for a way to dodge the inevitable awkward family drama this Thanksgiving? Maybe you’re trying to avoid your aunt’s “Why are you still single” interrogation or your cousin’s unhinged political rants. Here are some hilarious ideas, but for the love of gravy, don’t try anything on this list. These traditions range from mildly questionable to outright deranged—and while they’re good for a laugh, attempting them might turn your Thanksgiving into a highlight reel of poor life choices.
Flaming Turkey Toss: This chaos involves a frozen turkey in a baby onesie, a chain, lighter fluid, and a blatant disregard for safety. Oh, and a kilt. Dreamed up by Indiana college bros in the early 2000s, this “game” involved setting the turkey ablaze and hurling it across a football field. The participants eventually retired when they realized fireballs were less festive than, say, eating pie with Grandma.
Frozen Turkey Bowling: Ever looked at a frozen bird and thought, “This should be a bowling ball?” Then you’re exactly the type of person who invented turkey bowling. Swap a bowling alley for a grocery store aisle, soda bottles for pins, and congratulations—you’re banned from Safeway for life. For the adventurous, icy sidewalks or slip-and-slides make decent alternatives, provided you’re okay with broken bones and public humiliation.
Turkey Calling Competitions: If you’ve ever thought, “This family gathering could use more bird noises,” you’ll love turkey calling. Hunters use it to lure actual turkeys, but most people just use it to drive everyone insane. Canadian champion Connor Craftchick swears by his tools with names like “Hot Lips” and “The Flirt,” but unless you’re auditioning for “America’s Got Squawk,” maybe just stick to awkward silence during dinner.
The Turducken: Somewhere out there, someone looked at a chicken, a duck, and a turkey and thought, yes, all three. Stuffed inside each other, wrapped in bacon, and baked until your arteries cry, the turducken is Thanksgiving’s unofficial mascot of excess. Enjoy responsibly—or spend the rest of the night passed out on the couch wondering where your self-control went.
Ambrosia Salad: Ah, the salad that isn’t. Marshmallows, whipped cream, canned fruit, coconut, and an existential crisis come together in this pastel monstrosity. Topped with maraschino cherries for that “Did a clown make this?” vibe, ambrosia is a tradition that’ll have you questioning why you didn’t just stick to mashed potatoes.
And, of course, this all leads to the ultimate Thanksgiving tradition: unbuttoning your pants and debating whether you’ll ever eat again. Spoiler: you will, and probably by the time dessert rolls around. Just promise us you’ll skip the flaming turkeys and stick to things that won’t make the evening end with fire trucks or apologies to the neighbors.
