Pope Francis Said to Ditch Your Pets and Have More Kids Instead…It’s Your Obligation to Humanity…(Insert Laugh Emoji)

AM113 / shutterstock.com
AM113 / shutterstock.com

On a planet occupied by 7,953,952,577 humans of all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities, the holiest of holies, Pope Francis, thinks there aren’t nearly enough. He called on earth’s inhabitants to quit holding back on popping those young ’uns out. Francis said that choosing dogs or cats over having kids is selfish and “takes away our humanity.”

The pope believes It’s crucial to keep the world populated to avoid our own extinction. But there’s one more thing. If you’re going to heed his advice, make sure those babes are raised as good little obedient Catholics so your contributions to society won’t be in vain. It’d be downright sinful to lose a perfectly good child to the falsehoods of another religion.

Francis lavished praise on Jesus’s earthly dad, Joseph, for being okay with raising someone else’s kid. It’s “among the highest form of love,” he said with adoration in his eyes. This was the preface for him launching into what was just shy of a scolding to couples who not only prefer avoiding unwanted pregnancies but who also have the audacity to fill their childless voids with animals. 

Here’s what the man in the flowing silk gown said, word for ridiculous word. 

“We see that people do not want to have children, or just one and no more. And many, many couples do not have children because they do not want to, or they have just one — but they have two dogs, two cats … Yes, dogs and cats take the place of children.”

“Yes, it’s funny, I understand, but it is the reality. And this denial of fatherhood or motherhood diminishes us, it takes away our humanity. And in this way civilization becomes aged and without humanity, because it loses the richness of fatherhood and motherhood. And our homeland suffers, as it does not have children.”

Francis told couples who cannot have children for medical reasons to go get ‘em some from their local orphanage. As many as they can tote home. Ask about volume discounts. But since this would also benefit parentless kids, he gets a little credit for this one. No backlash. Just don’t take more than you can afford and make certain to leave some for someone else. There’s always plenty to go around.

“How many children in the world are waiting for someone to take care of them,” he said. “Having a child is always a risk, either naturally or by adoption. But it is riskier not to have them. It is riskier to deny fatherhood, or to deny motherhood, be it real or spiritual.” Isn’t this how Joan Crawford gained possession of her daughter, Christine? Risks can run in either direction, but still, an applaudable suggestion.

Francis isn’t anti-animals or anti-pets, he just feels like we make them too much of a priority. He’s been captured on camera petting dogs, carrying a lamb around his neck, smiling with a bird perched on his shoulder, and feeding giraffes in a zoo. Just don’t let your pets outnumber your children.

With worldwide famine, climate change altering the landscape, already overcrowded larger cities such as NYC and Hong Kong, and world instability such as never before seen, the pope should maybe update his software or at least try to get out of the Vatican more often. People are everywhere! Lots and lots of them. More than there were yesterday or the day before that. 

So here’s a worthy idea that would fit in nicely with the Vatican’s desires. If the guys were to sell off most of the 277,000 square miles of property they own, along with their gold-plated everything, they would realize a net profit in the neighborhood of $15 billion, give or take.

They could, then, evenly divide the loot between all of these couples who are mimicking the old woman in the shoe so they can properly afford to raise their tribe of offspring the pope, or the voice of God, if you will, ordered them to keep pumping out. 

Just a thought. Keep them kids a-comin’.